Thrift Store Mystery CD Review: Leather Hyman, "Host Body"

                I know, I know, I said the next thing I was going to post would be the first episode of my highly-anticipated (HA!) serial story.  But I’m afraid I must brave the inevitable angry outcry (HA!  HA!) because It’s got to be pushed back a little bit for the sake of beautiful illustrations.  I am, for some reason, okay with this.  Anyway…

                A while before I started writing things for this small slice of internet, I thought it might be fun to have a music blog.  I would review CDs and live shows of local bands and new artists and people could read it and be uplifted and it would all just be awesome.  The main reason I didn’t do this is because I don’t often have time or money to go see local shows, and I lack the self-esteem to think that anybody would care about my opinions on music (especially since ninety percent of the people I know hate almost everything I regularly listen to).  However, I think I’ve found a solution; thrift store CD racks!  

                Thrift store CD racks are places of endless discovery.  Even if the actual stock of CDs is limited, the fact that it’s all based on people’s donations means the selection is always surprisingly diverse (with the exception of the fifty or so Christmas albums you’ll have to paw through year-round).  If you go looking for something specific you will almost always be disappointed, so it forces you to keep an open mind.  There is an element of risk since there is no way to listen to any of it until you bring it home, so if you find something you don’t recognize there is a very real risk that you’ll hate it, but it’s such a small investment that it’s still worth it.  Some of my absolute favorite albums of all time were ones that I picked up at the thrift store and thought "This looks interesting." 

                So without further ado, I present to you my first Thrift Store Mystery CD Review!  I’ve got a whole pile of these things that I never got around to listening to, so this will be the first of many.

Mystery CD: “Host Body” by Leather Hyman

Found at: Savers

Price: $1.98

First impression:

                I’d only been to Savers once before, a few years back when Jess and I were looking for Halloween costumes.  When we went again a few days ago, I saw the CD rack for the first time and holy cats it was enormous.  I don’t think I ever ended up getting through the whole thing.  This was the first CD I found, it was up near the top.  The thing that caught my eye was the group’s name on the spine of the CD.  “They misspelled ‘hymen,’” I thought to myself.  (I found out later that it was actually a pun on the fouders' names, Heather Lockie and Lyman Chaffe)  Out of curiosity I pulled it off the shelf and this dismal fellow met my eyes.

                One of the games I play with myself at thrift store CD racks is a little one I like to call “Guess the Genre.”  Usually it boils down to me trying to identify a new metal band based solely on the packaging.  I’ve been horribly wrong before (if you ever see a CD with cool, innovative art by a group called “Enigma,” DO NOT BUY IT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY), but lately I’ve gotten pretty good at it.  At first I thought this one might be from some sort of metal group until I turned it over and saw a half-nude woman breastfeeding a giant beetle. 

                Then I looked at the track list.  Of course I recognized none of the songs except for Track 12, which is apparently a cover of Lou Reed’s “All Tomorrow’s Parties.”  Usually I hate Lou Reed, but Rasputina did a cover of this song which I think is phenomenal.  I think it’s safe to say that the inclusion of that cover is the main reason I bought the CD.

                I’d hazard a guess that it’s genre is darkwave, but since they’re covering Lou Reed and the band photo consists of four people clothed in nothing but aluminum foil…  Well, let’s find out!

1: Million Dollar World.

                Right out of the gate, I’m surprised.  This is incredibly peppy, kind of a standard rock song with effects-laden guitar solos.  I guess it’s just run-of-the-mill alternative rock, but my first impression is that they’re pretty good.  They’re definitely capable musicians, the frontwoman’s got a good voice and the music’s fun to listen to. 

2: Away

                A little less peppy than the first track.  Not much to say about this one, but it still sounds good.  The melody’s a little weird, but maybe that’s just the warped effects on the guitars playing havoc with my ears.

3: Frank

                Here we go, this is a bit more what I expected.  Still rock and roll, but very gloomy and moody without being un-melodic.  I really dig this track, thus far I’d say it’s the best one.

4: Pussy

                The first verse references a cat, but I’d be optimistic to say that’s what the title’s referencing.

                *hears the second refrain*

                Yeah… definitely not about a cat.  The sneaky buggers left the refrain out of the lyrics in the liner notes, though so I can’t read it any slower and find out the entirety of what they’re saying (they sing it really fast).  There’s a male backing voice in this one and he’s got a strong, low voice.  There’s a lot of talk about the circle of life… things getting old and dying and getting eaten by other things which in turn die et cetera.  It all seems very graphic.  It’s really fast and hard, and a lot of fun to listen to.

5: Girlfriend

                Another darker track with a really driving melody and plucky guitars.  It seems to be about a bad relationship, she’s singing it to her boyfriend I think.  I’m a minute and a half in now and she’s said explicitly that she’s going to kill him with an extension cord.  A little after the two minute mark they introduce violins which adds a nice touch. 

6: Trunk

                Starts of with more violin, playing a nice melody over an ethnic-sounding beat, like something gypsies would dance to.  Really neat so far.

                Do you remember when you had no legs?  I liked you better then.

                It’s the guy singing again, and this is definitely a weird one.  I’d have to listen to it a few times to figure out all the metaphors going on here.  The way he sings this song kind of reminds me of that guy from The Tragically Hip, which is definitely a good thing. 

7: Steve McQueen

                Starts off with electric organ and a fast driving beat.  The only reason I know who Steve McQueen is if from hearing Eddie Izzard talking about the movie “The Great Escape,” and I think that’s what the third verse is about since they’re talking about him riding a motor cycle away from a Nazi POW camp.  I don’t know any of the other movies they reference here, except maybe The Blob.  Was Steve McQueen in The Blob?

                Not the best song on the CD.  It ends with a jam session that’s kind of cool, and it’s silly and fun, but it kind of lacks the depth that the other songs have had so far.

8: Great

                The beginning is psychedelic and creepy, which is weird because this seems to be the most cheerful song they’ve sung so far.  The melody gets a bit happier as they go, but it stays just as psychedelic.  This is the first song where they reference drugs which is a little surprising considering we’re well over halfway through the CD.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I’m really enjoying this CD so far and I haven’t even gotten to the track I bought it for.

9: Rake

                The rake in the title is actually an ordinary garden rake.  I’m a little surprised. 

                This song has a really strong funk beat.  The melody is fun, a weird mix of upbeat and melancholy and the bass line is nothing short of impressive.  It switches back and forth from intense funk jam to elongated melodic chords really quickly and easily, and there’s another violin solo about halfway through.  This song must have been a whole lot of fun to play and I’m literally dancing as I write this. 

10: Scabs

                The liner notes are full of these electron microscope images of parasites, and I just noticed that they’re all numbered, and in the lower right hand corner all the numbers are labeled, telling you the name of each parasite.  I find this fascinating. 

                Anyway, this song’s pretty good.  The guy’s taken the lead vocals this time.  About a minute and forty into the song I think I heard the rhythm guitar play a sour note, but the song’s good enough that I can’t really bring myself to care.  It’s got a medium tempo with a nice chord progression and more psychedelic violin solos.  This is one of the good ones.

11: Ritalin

                Honestly, if Ritalin was music this is pretty much how I’d imagine it would sound.  It’s fast and haphazard and overly crazy, and the intro is just a little hard to listen to. 

                I just remembered that Ritalin is supposed to calm you down, so maybe that doesn’t make sense.  But then, I’ve always associated Ritalin with a kid I knew in elementary school who took it, and he was kinda hyperactive and crazy, so that’s probably why I have that impression.  Anyway, I’m only sort of half-listening to this one.  It’s not bad, but it’s not their best. 

                I hope I die when I get old.

                Don’t think that’s gonna be a problem, guys.

12: All Tomorrow’s Parties

                Here we are, the song I bought the CD for.  It’s a faithful cover, prettier than the original, but not as much as Rasputina’s version, and even though it’s faithful to the original it’s not a direct copy, they’ve definitely put their own unique spin on it.  It’s good, but it’s not the best thing I’ve ever heard, and I’d even dare to say it’s not my favorite song on the CD.  I think they overdid it a little.  It’s still a really good song, but I like Rasputina’s version better.

13: Host Body

                Now for the finale!

                They start it off with a heavy, down and dirty blues-rock riff and the guy comes in singing probably about as low as it is possible for him to do.  Singin’ all about parasites, though he’s calling them symbiotic so I’m not sure he knows what the word actually means.  Probably did it for the sake of irony.  Around three minutes or so the tempo picks up and he stops doing the Tay Zonday impression, then it ends kind of abruptly.  It’s sort of a letdown after the mind-bendingly awesome opening, very anti-climactic.  But that doesn’t change the fact that the first three minutes were mind-bendingly awesome. 

Overall Impression:

                I really like this CD.  I was a little worried when I picked it up, because I really couldn’t tell what it was and the last time I found something like that, Enigma happened.  But this was a pleasant surprise.  The band’s sound wasn’t at all what I expected, but they were still really good.  They’ve got clean vocals with thought-provoking lyrics paired up with psychedelic guitars and a pretty kickin’ violin player.  The instrumentation is tight, but not so much that it’s mechanical, and most of the songs are a lot of fun to listen to.  It might not be everybody’s cup of tea, but there are some pretty good tracks on here, and it was definitely worth the dollar ninety eight I paid for it.

I really wanted to wrap this up by embedding a youtube video of one of the songs, but I couldn't find any at all.  I couldn't even find a preview on Amazon which probably speaks to how rare this CD actually is.  Pity, really.  It is available on Amazon for kinda cheap, though, so if you ever feel like listening to some weird rock music, this is definitely for you.  I might end up uploading this CD to youtube just so the internet can know what it's missing.

There's a storm coming in...

Welp, it's been about two weeks.  Time for an update, or something of the like.  I know there aren't THAT many people who read this, and of the few that do, most if not all of you know me personally.  That means, of course, that nearly everybody who reads my blog somewhat regularly already knows what I'm planning for my next fictional story foray.  That being said, I still feel the need to formally announce it:

When I was still posting flash fiction pieces every week or so, I kept talking about wanting to make an "episodic story" of sorts, and that I had one in the works.  Well the one I had in the works was kinda crap.  I'm not abandoning it, but it'll probably be a while before I return to it to work out the kinks and make it presentable and not horrible.  I'm okay with this because I've been working on a different episodic story thing for the past week or two that I think might actually have promise, and so, apparently does my "test audience."  Unfortunately for me, my test audience probably constitutes about ninety percent of my readership, so most of you have already read the first episode.  I'll probably be posting it a few days from now, and though I'm planning on posting the link to facebook I'm not expecting a huge amount of excitement because, as I've said, most of you have already read it.  I do urge you to read it again, though.  In order to make the second episode work, I had to change a couple things.  See if you can spot them!

I feel like there was other news, but I can't think of what it was anymore, and if I can, then it's stuff that can wait.  If not, I can always make another one of these.  It's not like there's a limited supply...

Cheers!
-Ivan

Judgements of the Covering of Books: A Parable

                Judging a book by its cover is not always a bad thing.  I came to this conclusion one day in college when I and a few friends (including my then future/current fiancée, Jess) were at a local comic book store, just being huge nerds.  This particular comic book store had three or four racks near the back which contained not-comic books of the fantasy and sci-fi variety, which was fortunate because the only comic book I’ve ever really collected is “Lenore,” and I’m not sure if that one’s still being made.  Also, I’m an avid reader of sci-fi, so that’s another reason it was fortunate that this rack existed.  At the time, I was really jonesing on all the classic sci-fi authors with a zealousness that makes me quiver in embarrassment every time I think about it now.  I would go through the rack looking for Azimov or Heinlein or Bradbury and just dismiss everything else.  It wasn’t even that big a rack, and while there were one or two books there by my chosen authors, it was slim pickings.  We had been to the store several times, and I always did this.  On the occasion of which I speak, I was engrossed in my normal activities, searching fruitlessly for one of my familiar names and silently criticizing all the other authors I’d never heard of.  How could they be worth reading, I thought, when I’d never even heard of them before? 

                That was the defining moment where I literally stopped moving and said out loud, “Oh God… I’m an idiot!”  I realized at that moment that there was something very wrong with my thought process.  I couldn’t say anything against these authors with a clean conscience as soon as I realized that, God willing, that would be me someday.  I’d be that author that nobody had heard of, and would they think the same thing of me?  Would they pass up my book for a shiny copy of Bradbury’s Martian Chronicles?  As much as I love Bradbury’s work, especially Martian Chronicles, I certainly freaking hope not.  The more I thought about it the more disgusted with myself I became.  These authors deserved a chance and I was being a jerk.  That, and the more I thought about it, did I really want to read yet another story where society is so advanced that they have interstellar travel and flying cars, yet still use magnetic tape for data storage?  No, I did not.  And I knew by now that if I were to pick something up by Azimov, that is exactly what I’d get.

                So it was decided that I would try something new, give a different author a chance, do unto others as I would have them do unto me.  But where to start?  It was a small rack, but surprisingly diverse, and there was so much there that was undiscovered that it was quite a bit overwhelming.  So I did what I had to do, and I judged a book by its cover.  I pulled out a book and looked at it.  It was bright and colorful and kinda trippy.  I turned it over and read the synopsis.  Sounded reasonably interesting.  I looked at the title, and promptly mispronounced it several times.  In fact, I’m still not sure how you’re supposed to say it.  It was called Technogenesis (Techno genesis?  TechnogenEEsus?  I don’t know) and it was by a lady named Syne Mitchell.  “Well I guess this one looks cool,” I said, and I bought it.  I took it home and started reading.

                I’m not going to say it’s the best book I’ve ever read, but that’s mostly because my Dad had me read Stranger in a Strange Land in high school, and I DARE you to find a better book than that.  I will say this, though: Technogenesis, however the heck you pronounce it, should be required reading for, like, everybody, I’m not even kidding.  It came out in 2002, and that’s twelve years ago, but it is still very relevant and profound and eye-opening, and on top of that it’s a really good story.  I don’t want to give anything away, but you should read it.  Seriously, go buy it now, they’ve got used copies on Amazon for one cent. 

                So anyway, that’s what happened when I started judging books by their cover.  Or, at least, when I started judging them mercifully by their cover.  I guess that’s the defining element right there.  It’s okay to judge a book by its cover as long as your judgement is something along the lines of “I’ll bet this is a pretty good book, judging by its cover.”  Unfortunately I don’t think that’s ever going to make it to proverb status, but just remember that regardless of a book’s covering, its contents just might blow your little mind, like Technogenesis did with me.

                Which, I guess is what most people mean when they say “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

                Well, crap.

Filler! Woo!

Thrift store Adventures Part 2

                This one happened back in October of 2013, two days before Halloween.  I was going to post it a few days afterward, but as I was writing the post up I got a call from my Very Good Friend, who said that according to his girlfriend’s brother (who lives downstairs from us) some creepy Mexican guy in a “blinged out truck,” and equipped with a “knife” had come looking for me earlier in the day.  After a ton of confusion, worried phone calls, locking the door and loading the shotgun, we concluded that this fellow was probably either looking for the person who lived here before me (he never actually said my name), or that he got the wrong house, the knife he allegedly drew on our downstairs neighbor was probably just a cell phone, and the only thing connecting me with him was that I came home a few minutes after the incident and I was talking to somebody on the phone (which was “too much of a coincidence” for our downstairs neighbor).  So now apparently the stoner who lives downstairs from us is convinced that I’m involved with a gang or something.  Long story short, I lost my writing thunder that night and just haven’t gotten around to finishing this post.  UNTIL NOW!

                Our most recent AmVets trip had a few more photo opportunities than the last, which oddly enough had nothing to do with the fact that Anna was looking for Halloween costume elements.  I decided to start off the evening with some food porn.  Anna had a punch card for pizza slices at Jitters Café and wanted to put it to use.  Needless to say, the stuff was delicious.  Anna had buffalo chicken and I had spinach and ricotta. 

                After that, we went to the thrift store.  After some quick poking around in the clothing sections, we went straight to the appliances and knick knacks.  The centrifuge was gone, regrettably, and I can’t help but wonder who decided they needed it.  Anna found the first interesting bit, exclaiming “Oh what a cute little girl, with her black… eyes… and white pupils…”

  It wasn’t until after I’d uploaded the picture to my computer that I noticed that the eyes seemed to be leaking whatever black fluid they were composed of.  It’s not altogether unusual to find items of creeping horror in thrift stores, but I was impressed that this was pretty much the first thing Anna found.  The second thing she found was a lamp that doubled as a wig.

 I guess the idea is that when you get rip-roaring drunk you can put this on your head instead of a lamp shade so people won’t know how inebriated you are?  I’m not sure if that logical path actually makes any sense, but I dare you to come up with a better one.

Anna also found a coping saw and bought it after she discovered that it was harder to kill yourself with than she initially thought. 

               

 This one took us a little while to figure out, but apparently it’s a back massager and it actually felt pretty nice, even through my jacket. 

                We moved on and found another somethingorother that was difficult to figure out until we looked at the label:

  Even then, we didn’t really understand why anyone would want it.  I understand how a windshield sun shade would be useful having owned a car with black leather seats before, but would you really want THAT to be the picture that’s displayed to the world?  Or, as Anna put it, “you may as well just have it be a banner that says ‘I AM A HUGE PERVERT, LOOK AT WHAT A HUGE PERVERT I AM, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?’”  Then again, the packaging just screamed 80s, and I guess that was a different time.  Either way, somebody bought it, never used it, then donated it to their local AmVets.

                After that Anna took a smoke break. 

 Or at least she would have if that was a pipe, which it wasn’t.  It was a stainless steel measuring shot glass with a bottle opener on the side, just sorta hangin’ out there.

And while we were in the drinking paraphernalia, I picked up this, mostly because it matches a glass we already had.  The cashier seemed saddened by the fact that I’d picked it up, apparently she had a collection going.

                Here’s where the fun started.  The figurines this time around were just full of opportunities.  Anna kicked things off by putting this ginger flower boy in an “I need an adult!” situation with Nurse Minnie Mouse.  I added the scandalized kid with absurd hat because why not. 

 I was glad to have Anna along because I don’t think I would have seen that one otherwise.  Soon after that we came upon what I always love to see during times like this: a bobble-head.  I love bobble heads for two reasons, the first being this:

 and the second being this:

  I feel it worth pointing out that we couldn’t actually figure out who that guy in the second picture was supposed to be in the first place.  Based on his clothes and hair and beard, he looked like a biblical figure, like he was supposed to be Jesus.  And maybe he was, but we had no way of knowing because the words inscribed on his base weren’t actually from the bible, just something vague and feel-goody about believing in yourself.  He was also holding a baby.  At any rate, that baby is now being held by the Red Wings mascot. 

                This one was a little perplexing.  At first glance I thought that the horse was being depicted trampling another horse.  I told Anna this, and she responded with “Wait, it isn’t?”  So apparently I’m not bad at interpreting these things, it just really looks like that horse is stomping the ever-loving snot out of another horse.  Anna has been making sculptures for most of her life and has gotten really freaking good at it, so her eyes can normally be trusted to tell what’s what.  Which is actually why I showed her this and asked her if she too saw a man with a mustache.  

 She said yes. 

                Another one we found perplexing was this representation of Noah’s Ark. 

 Or, rather, Noah’s Woefully Inadequate Row Boat.  Doesn’t really roll off the tongue the same way.  Apparently this is a whole motif that Anna takes issue with.  “I don’t get it,” she said, “every time I see a depiction of Noah’s Ark, it’s always got animals bulging out of it like it isn’t big enough.  Does everybody just think Noah was too stupid to make a big enough boat?”  I have to say I disagree to some respect because from a practical standpoint if you represented the Ark as it actually was it would just look like a big honkin’ boat, so naturally you’ve got to put a few animals here and there to show that it actually is Noah’s Ark.  However, you do have to draw the line somewhere, and this little ornament crosses that line with leaps and bounds.  For instance, if we were to presume that it was accurate, that would mean that the world would be overrun by rhinoceroses since LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE on that boat has a mate, including Noah.  Which, in turn, means that the Bible would have ended somewhere in the middle of Genesis, and all surviving copies would have been eaten by starving herbivores.  Maybe I’m reading a little too far into this.  (EDIT: I just took another look at that picture and realized that what I thought was a second rhinoceros is in fact a hippo.  So scratch that, no land creature would have survived.)

                Now for some one-liners:

I really wish this was a mask.

That Old Bob really knows his Health Salts.

It’s-a me!

And to finish things off, I don’t know why these carolers look so terrified.  Maybe they saw Santa popping out of his own head.  Either that or they’re creeped out by the camera-carrying drifter off to their left.

Christmas Post Proper!

I don't usually like to brag about Christmas presents, but this year I got something that's actually sort of related to something that's already on here, so I'm making an exception.

My very talented sister (who also has a blog, which I frequent) makes, among other things, figurines and puppets for "dimensional illustrations," which are incredibly intricate and beautiful.  (Also she just taught me how to hotlink.  I'm gonna have so much fun with this!)  A little while ago she gave me her little friend Olaf, who I intended to take on adventures and make my own photo sets of him (which I obviously haven't gotten around to).  Needless to say, I love her figurines.  I think they're brilliant.  So imagine my joy and surprise when I opened the box containing this little guy:

That is, of course, the Miserable Clowne Man from my story of the same name.  Anna's made illustrations for me before and they were awesome, but she's never made a puppet for me before.  Apparently he's posable, but I think his posture here says it all... she's very good at capturing the essence of my characters, and this little dude is a perfect example.  Also, we got a wooden robot to boop him on the nose.

Boop!

Jess and I were also proud of these, which we made for my momma:

Also, I had to write Clarion an IOU.  My present to her this year was going to be a series of DVDs made from some of her old video tapes, but I ran into some problems... When Clarion read the letter out loud, Mom said I should put it on my blog, so here it is:

Dear Clarion, 

I feel that I should point out first that this is not an excuse.  The "I didn't have the time!" that you got last year, that was an excuse.  This is not.  It is merely an explanation.  Your present is not ready, and it's not because I didn't have time or "just forgot" because I didn't forget, and I did have time, and I used much of the time I had.  Really, video conversion is pretty easy... you hit a few buttons and wait for signals to be turned into different signals, and a few hours later you do some fiddling around with some supposedly reliable software and you're done.

See, that last part is where I ran into problems.  I don't know why anyone would make a piece of software that converts analog video into a digital format that it can't actually read, but somebody apparently did.  I also don't know why somebody looked at Windows Movie Maker and said "this program has too much built-in functionality and usefulness.  We should take all that out and make it an utterly pointless waste of space for the Windows 7 release."

Okay, so I just went to my dictionary and looked up "excuse" and I guess that yes, this totally is one.  So sorry, I lied.  But there is a silver lining:  you won't have to wait much longer.  The time frame for completion has been changed from "eventually" to "very soon, so I can have the last laugh."  see, it's personal now.  Never has so much software failed so spectacularly in such a short frame of time.  And to think that I trusted it!  But no, I will not be made a fool of by this fiendish modern technology!  I will, in the end, be victorious, and the creation of your DVDs will be the exclamation point at the end of all that has happened!  I WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED, YOU HEAR ME??  NEVER!!!!!!

*ahem*

So, uh... Merry Christmas.  Your present will be done soon, I promise.  With any luck I'll have them to you by the Gogol Bordello concert.

Love,

-Ivan

Holiday Quickness

What with all the recent snow (and my new-ish job as a plow truck operator), I haven't had much time for updates.  However, I came home yesterday to find this taped to the wall:

Apparently since our current apartment is too small for even that potted Christmas "tree" we had last year, Jess decided to draw one instead.  Brilliant.