Short Story: "The Favor"

This is the first story I ever got published anywhere, and twice at that.  Upon rereading it before I posted it here, it seemed incredibly clumsy and stilted to me, but I guess that's to be expected.  I've grown as a writer a lot since then, even if I haven't been published by anyone but myself for quite a while.  Maybe I could stand to learn a few things from my past self.  Anyway, enjoy the story!

The Favor

      The day my neighbor’s car caught fire, I found him on the back steps of the apartment building laughing like he’d just seen God drop a steam locomotive on a bus full of nuns.  It was about ten A.M. and it was already too hot for anyone to function, but I was anyway; I was heading out to work when I found him.  He was shaking uncontrollably, gripping the rusted handrail with white knuckles, laughter pouring out of him like red wine out of a punctured box.  At first I couldn’t think what he was laughing about and was about to join him in his mirth until I looked up and saw the ancient Oldsmobile covered in ten-foot high flames.  “Oh… Oh my God…” I muttered.  It was all I could think to say.  We could hear fire engines screaming down the road as I tried to get my friend to tell me what had happened, but he couldn’t stop laughing.  It occurred to me that he would keep laughing as long as he was looking at the car so I took him inside by the shoulders and up a small staircase and past his door to my apartment. 

      His name was Oliver, but everyone called him Tom.  I’m not entirely sure why.  We met the day I moved in; He came over to borrow my can opener, and we hit it off right away.  Ever since, we’d been the best of friends, practically living in each others’ apartments, going to parties, holding our own parties, and basically just hamming it up when we weren’t working. 

      When Tom’s car burned down, we were both making barely enough to survive and pay rent, and even then I’m surprised we had enough to eat, what with the way gas prices were.  Tom worked at a bagel joint on Main Street, and I ran an industrial dishwasher at Bagatelle’s for eight hours a day, five days a week.  It was a steady job that I enjoyed doing, but the pay was what one might call “less than rewarding.”  I don’t know what Tom was making, but he hadn’t been able to buy booze in a month so it couldn’t have been that much. 

      As I sat Tom down in my meager little kitchen, the laughing started to subside.  I poured some cheap iced tea for him while he wiped the tears from his face, still giggling deliriously.  He took the tea and sipped it carefully, trying not to spill any despite his shaking.  He was wearing his work uniform, a maroon polo shirt and a hat of identical color into which he had tucked his rat tail. 

      “What happened out there?” I asked urgently, sitting down across from him.

      He laughed once, restrained any more laughter that might follow it and set his tea down on the table.  “I don’t know, man,” he said, staring at the tea.  “I just walked outside, looked up…” he looked up at me and threw his hand in front of him.  “Fuckin’ car’s on fire!”  He tried to start laughing again, but his expression changed in mere seconds from delirious glee to shocked grief.  “Oh my God, my car!” he yelled, jumping up and knocking the chair over.  He ran out of the apartment in a frenzy and I went after him to try and calm him down, let him know that I was there for him and that somehow it would be okay.  He would have done the same for me if my car was on fire. 

      I tailed him through the hallway, hoping that the commotion wouldn’t wake anybody.  Fortunately we lived close to the back door so there weren’t too many people who would be disturbed.  When I caught up with Tom, he was staring out the window next to the back door, clutching the sill with both hands and breathing heavily.  I stood next to him for a moment in silence, watching it all unfold.  The fire department had arrived and they were pulling out hoses from the trucks, killing the flames with a white foam that made me think of toothpaste.  I’d never seen Tom get this torn up about anything before, so I looked at his face out of curiosity.  It was like looking at a different person— in all the time we’d been friends, Tom was always the resilient one, the one who would watch car crashes and house fires just to see what would happen and make clever comments.  He was the one who would turn disasters into jokes just to make you feel better.  Suddenly he was broken, confused, and without a punch line. 

      I saw something blue out of the corner of my eye and looked out the window just in time to see a police car park itself next to the back stairs.  I controlled my breathing and put my hand on Tom’s shoulder.  “Come on, man,” I muttered, masking the panic in my voice, “let’s go back upstairs.”  He didn’t say anything, but he turned around and I led him back to my apartment by the shoulders.  I was reminded briefly of countless nights we’d gotten drunk together when I would have too much and lose my head, thinking I was about to die… Tom would always lead my by the shoulders to my bed, telling me the whole way that everything was going to be okay.  I tried to tell Tom that everything would be okay as I led him back to my apartment, but the words wouldn’t come out. 

      When we got back to the apartment, I closed the door quietly and stood Tom’s chair up again so he could sit down.  He stared silently at the tea that sat in front of him.  It didn’t look like he was going to do any talking anytime soon so I killed some time by calling my manager and telling him I’d be a little late.  I was on my manager’s good side so I didn’t have to tell him my friend’s car was on fire in order for him to accept my excuse.  Then as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me that Tom would be missing work as well so I went ahead and called his manager too.  Lord knew Tom had a better excuse than I did and I felt responsible for him.

      “Jane’s Bagels n’ Things, how can I help you?” came a perky female voice from the other end.  I recognized it instantly as Wendy, a good-looking friend of Tom’s and a former drinking buddy of my own.

      “Hey, Wendy, it’s Heron,” I replied.

      “Oh hi, Heron!  I haven’t heard from you in a while, how’ve you been?”

      “Getting by,” I muttered, “how about you?”

      “I’ve been alright,” Wendy said, “what’s up?”

      “I’m calling for Tom,” I said, “could you tell his boss that he’ll be late today?”

      “What happened?” Wendy asked, suddenly concerned, “is he alright?”

      “He’s fine… just somebody’s set fire to his car.”

      “Oh my God!” Wendy exclaimed, “do you know who did it?”

      I shrugged even though I knew Wendy wouldn’t see it through the phone.  “I don’t know.”

      “Oh jeez, that’s awful… yeah, I’ll go tell Marie now.  Give him my best, okay?”

      “Sure,” I said, “see you later.”

      I hung up the phone after Wendy and went back to the table.  Tom looked at me as I approached, and took a sip of tea.  “What makes you think it was arson?” he asked.

      “Well what else would it have been?” I returned coolly. 

      “I don’t know,” he replied, “an electrical problem maybe?  It could have been anything.”

      “I guess,” I muttered.  We sat still for a moment and listened to the commotion outside.  “Wendy sends her best,” I said finally, breaking the awkward silence.

      “Yeah?”

      “Yeah.”

      “I was reminiscing with her the other day.”

      “That so?”

      “Yeah.  She says she misses drinking with you.”

      I stared into nothing, trying not to blush.  Tom and I told each other practically everything, so Tom knew that I had a soft spot for Wendy.  I’d gone drinking with Tom and Wendy in about five bars and countless parties; I think it was something about her cheerful disposition that made it so much fun to get drunk with her.  But of all the places we’d gone, I always liked it best when she came to our apartments.  It had only happened three times, but by the second time we had a routine.  We’d always play a few drinking games for starters, then we’d sit cross-legged in the living room and have the strangest conversations on various subject matter while we worked on a case of beer and mixed drinks; sometimes we’d talk about music and how important it was for basic survival, and other times we’d try to think up things you could make out of human hair or unusual ways to roast marshmallows.  I loved to watch her whenever she talked— every time she came up with a new idea her face would light up like a pinball machine and she’d have to push her round glasses back onto her face.  Later on in the night the conversation would always take a deep, philosophical turn, but if it got too depressing Wendy would always change the subject.  Then eventually Tom would pass out on the couch and Wendy and I would take that as our cue to go to sleep.  I’d always try to be a gentleman and say she could have my bed, but she always refused to take it and instead would just steal my pillow and sleep on the floor next to my bed.  The last time we got drunk together, I remember she looked up at me as we went to sleep and whispered “we have to do this again sometime.” 

      I pointed at her, my arm hanging off the bed, and I told her that someday we’d get drunk every night.  She giggled and said that she hoped I was right.  I’m not sure how, but one way or another we ended up holding hands, and we fell asleep that way.  When I woke up, she was making pancakes and I had a terrible headache. 

      “I miss it too,” I muttered, “but I’ve been a little low on spending money.  I know I keep saying this, but I need to start saving up or something…”

      “I know, man, I know,” Tom said.  “We’ll think up something.”  He knew as well as I did that I didn’t have any money to save.  Neither of us did.  “Are you okay, Heron?  You don’t look so good,” Tom muttered, watching me over his cup.

      “Huh?  Oh, yeah, I’m fine, I uh…” I feigned a yawn, “I didn’t get much sleep last night.  I’m just a little tired.” 

      “Really?”

      “Yeah.”

      “If you say so.”  He took another sip of tea and I stared at the oven.  “Maybe you should have some tea,” he suggested, gesturing to me with the cup. 

      “Nah, I’m fine,” I said quickly.

      “Okay, whatever.”  He sipped his tea again.  “I hope she’s not concerned.”

      “Who?”

      “Wendy.”

      “Oh right… What do you mean?” I asked, trying to look curious.

      “Well all things considered, maybe it’s better this way,” he said gloomily, “remember our conversation the other day?”

      He was referring to a Saturday two weeks before when we decided to walk to Burger King for dinner.  We were both griping about how expensive everything seemed and we got onto the topic of money and how we could save it.  We’d been tossing some really bad ideas and a bank account back and forth for about a half hour before I finally suggested carpooling.  I figured that with the way gas prices were, we’d be able to save a decent amount of money if we split the expenses and just took one car.  Sure, it might not make a big difference right away, but it would add up over time.  When I made the suggestion, Tom was all for it until we tried to decide whose car to use.  It was between his Oldsmobile and my Subaru, and I of course suggested we take my car, the younger and probably more dependable of the two.  Faced with this argument, Tom asked me somewhat sardonically what I expected him to do with his car.  He didn’t want to leave it sitting around, so I suggested that he sell it.  Tom didn’t go for the idea at first.  “Who would want it?” he asked me, “It’s thirty years old and can’t drive against the wind.  Even if we did find a buyer we wouldn’t get anything for it.” 

      I told him that even if it wasn’t worth much we could still use the cash.  He said he’d think about it, but two weeks had passed since then and he was still driving the old thing. 

      I’m not one to aspire to much.  I like living simply, and when I got my apartment next door to Tom I was fairly certain that I’d found my niche.  But there’s a difference between living simply and living precariously, and I’d crossed that line when I lost my second job and was forced to go full time at Bagatelle’s.  Now that I’d found a way to solve the problem there was a rusty ‘76 Oldsmobile standing in my way.  I didn’t know how to confront Tom about it— he’d been avoiding the subject for two weeks now— so I took what seemed to be the easy way out at the time.  Getting into the car wasn’t a problem; Tom never bothered to lock it— he couldn’t think why anybody would want to steal it.  There was an old can of charcoal lighter fluid in the grounds shed that nobody would miss so I sprayed it thoroughly around the interior of the car and lit it with a few kitchen matches. 

      “I’m gonna have to remind myself to call my insurance agent,” Tom murmured, lifting the tea to his lips again, emptying the cup.  “Not that I’ll get much for it…”

      At that moment there was a knock on the door.  I was a little apprehensive getting up to answer it because I knew it was the police and the police always made me nervous, but I also knew it would be worse not to answer.  There was an officer and the fire chief and they were looking for Tom.  It took a moment for me to explain to them why he was in my kitchen and not outside talking with the police and the fire chief, but fortunately they were understanding about it.  The whole encounter was relatively brief, the officer just had to confirm that it was, in fact, Tom’s car and then they both asked him a few questions about the previous night. 

      “Did you see anyone suspicious in the area?” the officer asked him.

      “No, it was just me,” Tom replied.

      “Have you had any negative confrontations with anyone in the past few days?”

      “No.”

      “Weeks, maybe?”

      “I don’t think so.  Why?”

      The fire chief spoke up.  “Evidence indicates that somebody started the fire on purpose,” he said.

      “Do you know of anybody who might be holding some sort of grudge against you?” the police officer asked.

      Tom shook his head.  “Not that I know of,” he said. 

      “Did you leave your windows open last night?” the fire chief asked.

      “Nope,” Tom said.  “Were they open?”

      “They were,” replied the police officer.  “Is there a way somebody could have gotten into your car last night?”

      Tom acted as if he was thinking for a moment.  “I might have left the door unlocked,” he said, “I sometimes forget to lock it.”  I’m not sure why he lied about locking his doors, but I figured he must have some reason.

      The fire chief went on to explain to Tom that sometime in the early morning somebody had evidently entered his car, rolled the windows down, and set fire to various parts of the interior, first presumably covering them in lighter fluid, as evidenced by an empty can of the stuff they’d found twisted and scorched in front of the driver’s seat.  They set it on the table to see if Tom recognized it, but he said he’d never seen it before.  He looked at me and I shrugged.  The police officer told Tom a few more things, but I didn’t listen.  I was too busy being fascinated by the burnt husk of metal sitting on my kitchen table.  It had been in a fire.  A roaring, raging inferno that had destroyed a whole car.  And there it sat, on my table. 

      I was snapped out of my thoughts when the police officer thanked Tom and me for our time and left with the fire chief and the piece of evidence. 

      The door closed and Tom looked at his watch.  “Shit, I oughtta get to work.”

      “You really sure you want to go after all that?” I asked. 

      “Not really,” he said slowly, “but I need the money.  I don’t have any more sick days left.”

      I nodded.  “Yeah.  Don’t want to worry Wendy too much, either.”

      “Huh?  Oh… Yeah, I guess,” he muttered absently.

      The burnt remains of Tom’s car were sitting beyond the back steps on the side of the driveway, covered in foam and surrounded by caution tape.  We stood and looked at it for a moment.  I thought Tom was about to say something, but he didn’t.  He just stood there in reverence for a few seconds then turned away. 

      “You alright?” I asked as we walked to where my Subaru was parked. 

      Tom sighed.  “I’ll live,” he muttered. 

      I unlocked the car and Tom opened the passenger door.  “Hey…” I said, “everything’s gonna be okay.”

      Tom looked at me strangely before getting into the car.  “That’s an odd thing to say,” he muttered.  I just shrugged. 

      “So what are you gonna do with the money?” I asked him as we headed into town.

      “What money?”

      “From the insurance.”

      “Oh… I don’t know,” he muttered, considering the question carefully.  “It probably won’t be much.  Maybe I can take you and Wendy out barhopping or something.  It’s been too long.”

      I smiled.  “It’d be cheaper to drink at home,” I said.  I’m still not sure if he heard me. 

      “I could use some new shoes, too,” he continued.  “Fuck, I don’t know.  I can always think of stuff I need when I’m broke but as soon as I get money I don’t know how to use it.” 

      “I hate that,” I said, keeping my eyes on the road.

      “Do you think they’ll ever catch the guy who did it?”

      I sighed.  “Well nobody saw him, they’ve got no leads,” I said.  “Any and all physical evidence they’d have would have been burned… no prints, no hair, nothing.”  I looked over at Tom.  He was staring out at the road.  “Arson’s a tough thing to catch,” I said.  I think I was trying to reassure myself more than anything.  Tom kept staring.  I pulled the car over to the sidewalk in front of Jane’s Bagels.  “Well here we are.”

      Tom undid his seatbelt.  “I should probably chip in for gas if this is gonna be a regular thing, huh?”

      “You don’t need to do that.”

      “Don’t say that,” he said, “you wanted to carpool before, right?  Come on… it’ll save us both money.”

      “If you insist,” I said, “next time I get gas I’ll write you a bill.”

      Tom smiled.  “Okay.”  He opened the door and started to get out but stopped.  “Hey, Heron… How did you know somebody did it?”

      “Huh?”

      “Like… how did you know it wasn’t an accident?”

      I shrugged.  “Just a feeling,” I said. 

      He nodded passively.  “Thanks for the ride,” he said.  He left the car and closed the door behind him. 

      I drove farther down Main Street and turned onto Stirnie Road, where the sun caught me in the eyes.  I put the visor down so I could see better, but the windshield was still glowing.  It made me think of how the Oldsmobile had looked, lighting up from the inside in the dark like that.  Funny how a few tiny sticks of wood and sulfur can trigger something so big…

      I don’t know how Tom would react if he ever found out what I did.  Quite frankly, I don’t want to know.  I feel bad enough about it already, even though I know I was doing us both a favor.  Someday when we’re living comfortably, making decent livings, I might tell him.  Maybe.

News Update!

Finally found some time to post, and hopefully explain why I've been so doggone silent for the past month or so.  Mostly...

 

 WE HAVE A HOUSE NOW!  Depending on which circle-of-people-I-know you are in, you may already know that we have been living here for about a month and we've been stupidly busy getting everything situated.  We're mostly comfortably moved in, but there's still quite a bit to do... for instance, here's what my basement office looks like:

Fortunately, most of the house does not look like this anymore.  Most of it.  We've been cleaning and organizing for the better part of the last four weeks or so, followed by some quick ferret-proofing (there was a hole under the dishwasher that Riceboy had to be lured out of with raisins), and then more unpacking after we nearly cleaned out our storage space.  It looks like some of the unpacking may never be finished, but we are making progress, however slowly.  And then about a week or two ago, we went down to Lollipop Farm and decided to add this little bugger to the family:

 

Her name is Buttercup and she's about four years old.  She's half dachsund, half jack russel, and 100% nerve ball, but surprisingly well-behaved.  We're still working on discovering all the different things that scare the snot out of her for no reason (a bag of twizzlers is the most recent entry to that category), but she no longer needs to be restrained when the ferrets are out, so I have a feeling the rest will be pretty easy.  

In other news, I have been writing plenty lately, and with Anna's graduation coming up, the release date for the first episode of eM-I:elle, A Techno Fairy Tale will be fast approaching.  Once I finally finish a short story or two I will be seeking publication in various literary magazines which means I probably won't be allowed to post said stories here for a while, but I will probably be providing links to where they will be posted, provided any of them get accepted.  I will continue to put older stories here for your enjoyment (I'll probably start doing that in a day or so), and I've amassed plenty of fodder for my Mystery CD reviews, which I will be breathing new life into shortly.  

And now for something completely different... 

I've never considered myself much of a salesman and as a direct result I've never really tried plugging anything, but that's also because I rarely come across things I feel the need to plug.  

This has changed.

See, there's this wonderful website called inkbok.com that I recently became a contributor for.  Basically, it's a place where writers can publish their works and get paid based on how many people read them.  It's a relatively new site... they've been up and running for maybe two months, but there's already tons of material available in a very wide variety.  Right now I only have one of my stories on there (Miserable Clowne Man), but I will be adding more soon.  

Since it's already available for free on my blog (this one), Miserable Clowne Man is free for everyone to read along with plenty of other great material on the site.  However, there is even more to read available for a small monthly subscription fee.  There is a free trial period of two weeks in case you're not sure, but the fee is super inexpensive anyway.  It's about half as much as a Netflix subscription with the added bonus that you'll be expanding your mind with reading instead of rotting it away watching TV!  I got one myself and so far I'm very happy with it.  

So if you're into reading (and maybe want to do the bare minimum in supporting my questionable long-term career choice), go on and check out Inkbok, and if you like it, consider subscribing!  Even if you don't like it, odds are you know someone who would.  Getting the word out helps people like me, and doesn't cost a thing.  We will be eternally grateful!

Well there, that wasn't so bad!

Thrift Store Mystery CD Review: Clutch, "Pure Rock Fury"

Mystery CD: “Pure Rock Fury” by Clutch

Found at: Savers

Price: $1.98

First impression:

                This is another one I found at Savers, the same day I found Leather Hyman’s “Host Body” (which ended up being pretty good, and an immediate addition to my mp3 player).  I actually bought four CDs that day, the third of which I’ll review next time, and the fourth was a post-Ricky Wilson B-52s CD.  I won’t be reviewing that one here because I’m actually a pretty big B-52s fan and already knew what I was getting myself into. 

                As for Pure Rock Fury here, I’m pretty confident that I’ll be hearing some standard hard rock, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll be any good.  I flipped through the liner notes and noticed that everything is either red, white or blue, and occasionally a weird golden yellow on a black background.  They’ve got lyrics along the top and bottom all scrunched together around the artistically colored photographs, and each song is either red or blue, the credits are white and the titles are yellow.  This in itself isn’t especially odd, lots of bands do that… saves on space, probably.

But it’s all in red, white and blue which gives me pause.  It’s not just the lyrics, either, there are some band photos in there, half of which look like someone just brought a camera to the studio one day because they needed pictures of themselves.  Half of those pictures are just random shots of mixing boards (or rather a single mixing board at two different angles) and a mess of guitar pedals and cables.  All the pictures follow the same color scheme.  Were they trying to be patriotic?  There isn’t much else to suggest that’s what they were going for, but it doesn’t once deviate from the red white and blue theme.  I’m probably overthinking this.  At least the disc itself is kinda pretty.

Hyper CD…?

                Well, I popped it in the drive and all of a sudden it’s asking me if I want to instal HyperCD.exe.  I’ve seen stuff like this before, little bonus web content things that I guess are supposed to enhance the overall experience or something.  They never seem to work right, and this one is no exception.  It got caught in an endless loop of asking me to install, installing, saying it was installed successfully, then asking me to close all browsers before installing (which I had already) before starting the whole thing over again.  I let it do this about three or four times before I gave up.  I’m not too broken up about this.  Or at all.

1: American Sleep

                Okay, we’ve got about eighteen seconds of feedback and electric noise, but the tone is really fuzzy so it doesn’t pierce your ears and make you want to fling the headphones across the room, so that’s good.  Once the music starts the tone quality doesn’t really get any better… makes it sound like you’re listening to it through a wall.  It’s probably really loud and impressive on the other side of that wall, but to me it sounds just kind of weird.  Maybe I don’t have the volume high enough.

                The vocals are clear and the lyrics are kind of stream of consciousness psychedelic stuff.  Of course, the only thing that really bugs me about the lyrics is that it sounds like he’s saying “American sleep” at the end of each refrain, but the lyrics clearly say “Americans leap.”  Y’know, except for the title, which is “American sleep.”  WHICH IS IT???  Eh, whatever, the song makes about as much sense either way.  And that’s not to say that it makes no sense, the refrain is “So very relentless/ counting the sheep/ electrical fences/ Americans leap (or American sleep).”  So it could make sense either way.  That’s kind of cool. 

                The actual instrumentation is good.  It’s definitely hard rock, and under all the fuzzy audio quality you can tell they know what they’re doing.  The solos aren’t bad, but laden with all sorts of warping effects so they’re there mostly just to make it sound hardcore.  The time signature is 3:4, which I really like, and they switch it up in the refrain which is cool.  Not a bad track.

2: Pure Rock Fury

                This… this is the title track?  I… I don’t know what to say. 

                The tone quality continues to be bad, and really masks the beginning of the song.  The contrast between the fuzzy guitars and the surprisingly clear vocals continues to confuse my ears.  I keep picturing the lead singer doing his thing while surrounded by mountains of pillows, which the rest of the band is buried under. 

                It’s not a bad song, but the beginning is… weird.  The guitar plays a series of elevating tones in a frankly bizarre scale that doesn’t really seem to make sense, while the singer mutters unintelligibly (but rhythmically), and actually sounds a little like the guy from ZZ Top.  It’s really quite jarring.  The rest of the song isn’t that bad, but it’s kind of overshadowed by the beginning, and then it ends after only… three and a half minutes?  I guess it’s not THAT short, but it seems really short.  I feel the best way to describe this song is thusly: imagine you’re walking down the sidewalk, minding your own business when out of nowhere you’re set upon by a hairy, burly biker gang.  They surround you and immediately start mercilessly whacking you with wrapping paper tubes, then drive off in a roar of Harley exhaust before you’re able to fully grasp the situation.  That’s what this song is like.  So it’s awesome, but in an intensely confusing way. 

3: Open Up The Border

                Ooh, kind of a fast 6:8, a funky rock beat with more weird lyrics.  The mixing seems more uniform in this one, and I like it a lot.  The vocals are low and growly, but the singer’s pretty good.  It’s all grungy hard rock with a good beat, and it’s a lot of fun.  I bet this song is awesome live. 

                Near the end they add another track of vocals, kind of a background vocal talking about opening up the border, but the way he sings it sounds kind of sepia toned and vaudevillian, like something 1930s Strong Bad would sing. 

4: Careful With That Mic…

                Okay, the singer starts out with “Ahuhah, ahuhah… mmm hmmm mmm hmmm…” over and over again, and the ZZ Top parallel is really stark and obvious.  Then he starts talking really fast, but very articulated… he’s not even speaking in verse.  All over kind of a single chord rock riff.  They sing the refrains at least.  It’s kind of a cool song, though, it’s got a good groove to it.

5: Red Horse Rainbow

                Same beat as the last song, but with a more intricate instrument part.  Up until this point, it seems like the guitar and bass have been playing pretty much the same thing, but the two parts diverge here, and it think that helps with the tone, or at least makes it sound less fuzzy.  Maybe that was the problem.  There’s a lengthy instrumental part before the singer starts… I almost thought this was going to be an instrumental. 

                It’s actually kind of a long song.  Found it difficult to tell what exactly it was about, so I read the lyrics and I’m even less sure now.  Something about Africanized killer bees, and other man-tampering-with-nature-esque things, then something about a salamander giving birth, and apparently the only thing that can save us is a red horse rainbow.  So yeah, that explains nothing.  The song is long, but the lyrics are actually pretty sparse, so it’s mostly just guitars jamming out.

6: The Great Outdoors!

                Another funky rock beat with weird grumbling.  I kind of like this one… he sings with kind of a hic-ish accent, and it makes me think of Primus, or maybe Tom Waits if he had a better voice.  There’s some ranting about how much he hates Baltimore (though he doesn’t say it directly). 

                The instrumentation seems to be getting more and more intricate with each track, but I don’t know if it’s actually changing or if I’m just getting used to their style.

7: Smoke Banshee

                There’s some faint background noise of a crowd cheering, but it quickly becomes completely inaudible.  This song doesn’t really stand out… it’s good, but it’s not like it’s spectacular or anything, which is fine, a lot of the others have stuck out for one reason another, this one just sort of hangs out in the background.  I guess there’s just not much I can say about it.  It’s a cool rock song with more growly, passionate vocals, but I can’t really make sense of most of what he’s saying, partly because some of it’s difficult to make out and partly because I’m not trying too hard at this point because it’s just more of the same. 

8: Frankenstein

                Starts out with a groovy drum bit, and then they add in some bongos before the bass comes in with a nice crunchy line, followed by the guitar.  It’s a cool riff, and the whole song is refreshingly minimalist, so you can really pick out each part and enjoy it for what it is, and it’s got a great beat.  That, and the key seems to change when they go into the refrain, and it sounds like they’re all yelling in unison through it, something about Frankenstein, and how would you like to die, and I guess if you go downtown they’re giving it away… something about magic beans… I don’t know.  I’d probably need a lot more time with the lyrics to figure out what’s going on, but it’s about what you’d expect to hear from an angry hard rock band.  It tapers off with a neat little jam session.  All in all, a groovy track.

9: Sinkmelow

                Starts off with a single guitar line and then the whole band comes in full force.  It’s a fast and heavy song, good head-bobbing music.  Fires in the northlands/ Floods to the south/ Put the petal to the metal/ Let it all hang out.  Nothing particularly deep, but it’s fun, so there’s that.  His voice continues to remind me of ZZ Top. 

10: Immortal

                Funky drum solo time!  I think this song’s about Greek gods, or at least mythology of that ilk.  He’s claiming to be immortal and referencing Prometheus and a bunch of other stuff.  More heavy, crunchy rock… it’s good.  And really, that’s all I’ve got to say for this one.

11: Brazenhead

                Okay… this starts out with an excerpt from a live show.  The singer talks to the audience saying “this is one we’re gonna record” then encourages them to make noise so they can be on the CD.  The beat starts and he tells them to start clapping, “louder… louder…”  Then when the actual song starts (in time with the excerpt), it’s back to the studio.  Kind of cool, I guess, but it seems odd to me, like that whole excerpt was kind of pointless.  It doesn’t really add anything to the song.  It would have made more sense if the actual recording of the song was from that live show. 

                The song itself isn’t bad, another funky rock song, and you can sort of hear more bongos in the background.  The words to this one seem to be another stream of consciousness thing, a bit like the first one.  I think the refrain is talking about architecture, something about planing all the edges to make a perfect structure, and some other stuff about math and “zero meaning nothing.”  I don’t know.  It almost sounds like something Tool would come up with, but without the flowery language.

12: Drink to the Dead

                Ah, another rock waltz.  I love rock waltzes, so this one is automatically interesting to me.  I think the growing intricacies I was talking about earlier wasn’t just my imagination, because the instrumentation in this one is markedly less so.  It’s kind of refreshing, actually.  There’s less to listen to, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  It’s a good strong melody. 

                I keep thinking as I hear each one of these that it’s kind of lacking something.  I mean… it’s good music, they know what they’re doing and the songs are altogether pretty cool, but I feel like their energy had been dialed back a lot.  I think this is mostly due to the audio quality which is, as I’ve said, consistently fuzzy.  I can’t help but think this would all be way better if I heard it live.  I bring this up because it says the last track is a live recording.  So we’ll see if it lives up to my expectations.

13: Spacegrass (Live)

                The previous track ends with that same crowd noise I heard earlier, but it’s withdrawn and quiet, like you’re hearing it at the end of a very long highway, or through a tin can or something. 

                It starts out with a bass line and it’s already way better than everything so far because it’s not that fuzzy and soft tone that permeates throughout this entire CD.  Then the guitar comes in and it’s exactly the same thing.  The sound quality in this track is so much better than everything else I’ve heard so far, which is the exact opposite of how it usually is with live recordings.  This brings up only one single question in my mind…

WHAT…

THE…

HELL??? 

                This song is awesome!  It’s slow and heavy and just cool, and you can hear all the instruments really clear like they’re right there in front of you and they’re tight and energetic and this is exactly what hard rock should always sound like!  The singer sounds like he’s in a band, not a sea of cotton balls!  It’s like they came out from a padded room and all of a sudden their sound is flourishing and living up to its potential, and it is absolutely glorious!  SO WHO THE HELL MIXED THE REST OF THIS ALBUM, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY DOES HE STILL PRESUMABLY HAVE A JOB??? 

*Huff… huff… huff…*

Overall Impression:

                It could have been so much better.  It really could have.  The band is good, the songs are good, everything is good except for the audio quality, which is really the only problem but it’s such a big one that it really brings the rest of it down.  You sort of get used to it after a while, but then that last track comes and blows the rest of it out of the water, and that kind of ruined it for me.  Now I’m stuck trying to imagine what the rest of it would sound like if the tone hadn’t sucked and now I’m utterly dissatisfied with an otherwise great CD. 

                So… was it worth the money?  I guess I don’t know.  I mean I liked the CD and it was good music, but now I’m just angry.  It could have been so… so much better.  But it wasn't, and it wasn’t the band’s fault so I can't in all good conscience say it was a bad album.  So I really can’t decide.  I found out about a great band, though, and I guess that’s something, and like I said, the music is good once you get past the sound quality.  So I guess it was worth the money, but only just barely.

I think it actually sounds better on youtube through laptop speakers, and that's really depressing.

 

 EDIT: It's been almost two months since I wrote this.  I have since listened to this album on my mp3 player and somehow it sounds a lot better.  I've gotten to really like this album.  The instrumentation is great and the lyricist is actually really clever and more than a little talented.  I don't know if the change in audio quality is because my Winamp mixer was maladjusted for my first review or I'm just used to it now or what, but I feel like the former shouldn't make a difference on a high-quality recording, which I still don't think it is even if I have gotten used to it.  However, it does sound better.  Less like they're buried in pillows and more like they're locked in recording studio booths, which I guess is a step in the right direction.  Still not great, but much less of a problem than it was and I can really enjoy it now.  If I find something else by these guys, I'm definitely picking it up.

Thrift Store Mystery CD Review: Leather Hyman, "Host Body"

                I know, I know, I said the next thing I was going to post would be the first episode of my highly-anticipated (HA!) serial story.  But I’m afraid I must brave the inevitable angry outcry (HA!  HA!) because It’s got to be pushed back a little bit for the sake of beautiful illustrations.  I am, for some reason, okay with this.  Anyway…

                A while before I started writing things for this small slice of internet, I thought it might be fun to have a music blog.  I would review CDs and live shows of local bands and new artists and people could read it and be uplifted and it would all just be awesome.  The main reason I didn’t do this is because I don’t often have time or money to go see local shows, and I lack the self-esteem to think that anybody would care about my opinions on music (especially since ninety percent of the people I know hate almost everything I regularly listen to).  However, I think I’ve found a solution; thrift store CD racks!  

                Thrift store CD racks are places of endless discovery.  Even if the actual stock of CDs is limited, the fact that it’s all based on people’s donations means the selection is always surprisingly diverse (with the exception of the fifty or so Christmas albums you’ll have to paw through year-round).  If you go looking for something specific you will almost always be disappointed, so it forces you to keep an open mind.  There is an element of risk since there is no way to listen to any of it until you bring it home, so if you find something you don’t recognize there is a very real risk that you’ll hate it, but it’s such a small investment that it’s still worth it.  Some of my absolute favorite albums of all time were ones that I picked up at the thrift store and thought "This looks interesting." 

                So without further ado, I present to you my first Thrift Store Mystery CD Review!  I’ve got a whole pile of these things that I never got around to listening to, so this will be the first of many.

Mystery CD: “Host Body” by Leather Hyman

Found at: Savers

Price: $1.98

First impression:

                I’d only been to Savers once before, a few years back when Jess and I were looking for Halloween costumes.  When we went again a few days ago, I saw the CD rack for the first time and holy cats it was enormous.  I don’t think I ever ended up getting through the whole thing.  This was the first CD I found, it was up near the top.  The thing that caught my eye was the group’s name on the spine of the CD.  “They misspelled ‘hymen,’” I thought to myself.  (I found out later that it was actually a pun on the fouders' names, Heather Lockie and Lyman Chaffe)  Out of curiosity I pulled it off the shelf and this dismal fellow met my eyes.

                One of the games I play with myself at thrift store CD racks is a little one I like to call “Guess the Genre.”  Usually it boils down to me trying to identify a new metal band based solely on the packaging.  I’ve been horribly wrong before (if you ever see a CD with cool, innovative art by a group called “Enigma,” DO NOT BUY IT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY), but lately I’ve gotten pretty good at it.  At first I thought this one might be from some sort of metal group until I turned it over and saw a half-nude woman breastfeeding a giant beetle. 

                Then I looked at the track list.  Of course I recognized none of the songs except for Track 12, which is apparently a cover of Lou Reed’s “All Tomorrow’s Parties.”  Usually I hate Lou Reed, but Rasputina did a cover of this song which I think is phenomenal.  I think it’s safe to say that the inclusion of that cover is the main reason I bought the CD.

                I’d hazard a guess that it’s genre is darkwave, but since they’re covering Lou Reed and the band photo consists of four people clothed in nothing but aluminum foil…  Well, let’s find out!

1: Million Dollar World.

                Right out of the gate, I’m surprised.  This is incredibly peppy, kind of a standard rock song with effects-laden guitar solos.  I guess it’s just run-of-the-mill alternative rock, but my first impression is that they’re pretty good.  They’re definitely capable musicians, the frontwoman’s got a good voice and the music’s fun to listen to. 

2: Away

                A little less peppy than the first track.  Not much to say about this one, but it still sounds good.  The melody’s a little weird, but maybe that’s just the warped effects on the guitars playing havoc with my ears.

3: Frank

                Here we go, this is a bit more what I expected.  Still rock and roll, but very gloomy and moody without being un-melodic.  I really dig this track, thus far I’d say it’s the best one.

4: Pussy

                The first verse references a cat, but I’d be optimistic to say that’s what the title’s referencing.

                *hears the second refrain*

                Yeah… definitely not about a cat.  The sneaky buggers left the refrain out of the lyrics in the liner notes, though so I can’t read it any slower and find out the entirety of what they’re saying (they sing it really fast).  There’s a male backing voice in this one and he’s got a strong, low voice.  There’s a lot of talk about the circle of life… things getting old and dying and getting eaten by other things which in turn die et cetera.  It all seems very graphic.  It’s really fast and hard, and a lot of fun to listen to.

5: Girlfriend

                Another darker track with a really driving melody and plucky guitars.  It seems to be about a bad relationship, she’s singing it to her boyfriend I think.  I’m a minute and a half in now and she’s said explicitly that she’s going to kill him with an extension cord.  A little after the two minute mark they introduce violins which adds a nice touch. 

6: Trunk

                Starts of with more violin, playing a nice melody over an ethnic-sounding beat, like something gypsies would dance to.  Really neat so far.

                Do you remember when you had no legs?  I liked you better then.

                It’s the guy singing again, and this is definitely a weird one.  I’d have to listen to it a few times to figure out all the metaphors going on here.  The way he sings this song kind of reminds me of that guy from The Tragically Hip, which is definitely a good thing. 

7: Steve McQueen

                Starts off with electric organ and a fast driving beat.  The only reason I know who Steve McQueen is if from hearing Eddie Izzard talking about the movie “The Great Escape,” and I think that’s what the third verse is about since they’re talking about him riding a motor cycle away from a Nazi POW camp.  I don’t know any of the other movies they reference here, except maybe The Blob.  Was Steve McQueen in The Blob?

                Not the best song on the CD.  It ends with a jam session that’s kind of cool, and it’s silly and fun, but it kind of lacks the depth that the other songs have had so far.

8: Great

                The beginning is psychedelic and creepy, which is weird because this seems to be the most cheerful song they’ve sung so far.  The melody gets a bit happier as they go, but it stays just as psychedelic.  This is the first song where they reference drugs which is a little surprising considering we’re well over halfway through the CD.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I’m really enjoying this CD so far and I haven’t even gotten to the track I bought it for.

9: Rake

                The rake in the title is actually an ordinary garden rake.  I’m a little surprised. 

                This song has a really strong funk beat.  The melody is fun, a weird mix of upbeat and melancholy and the bass line is nothing short of impressive.  It switches back and forth from intense funk jam to elongated melodic chords really quickly and easily, and there’s another violin solo about halfway through.  This song must have been a whole lot of fun to play and I’m literally dancing as I write this. 

10: Scabs

                The liner notes are full of these electron microscope images of parasites, and I just noticed that they’re all numbered, and in the lower right hand corner all the numbers are labeled, telling you the name of each parasite.  I find this fascinating. 

                Anyway, this song’s pretty good.  The guy’s taken the lead vocals this time.  About a minute and forty into the song I think I heard the rhythm guitar play a sour note, but the song’s good enough that I can’t really bring myself to care.  It’s got a medium tempo with a nice chord progression and more psychedelic violin solos.  This is one of the good ones.

11: Ritalin

                Honestly, if Ritalin was music this is pretty much how I’d imagine it would sound.  It’s fast and haphazard and overly crazy, and the intro is just a little hard to listen to. 

                I just remembered that Ritalin is supposed to calm you down, so maybe that doesn’t make sense.  But then, I’ve always associated Ritalin with a kid I knew in elementary school who took it, and he was kinda hyperactive and crazy, so that’s probably why I have that impression.  Anyway, I’m only sort of half-listening to this one.  It’s not bad, but it’s not their best. 

                I hope I die when I get old.

                Don’t think that’s gonna be a problem, guys.

12: All Tomorrow’s Parties

                Here we are, the song I bought the CD for.  It’s a faithful cover, prettier than the original, but not as much as Rasputina’s version, and even though it’s faithful to the original it’s not a direct copy, they’ve definitely put their own unique spin on it.  It’s good, but it’s not the best thing I’ve ever heard, and I’d even dare to say it’s not my favorite song on the CD.  I think they overdid it a little.  It’s still a really good song, but I like Rasputina’s version better.

13: Host Body

                Now for the finale!

                They start it off with a heavy, down and dirty blues-rock riff and the guy comes in singing probably about as low as it is possible for him to do.  Singin’ all about parasites, though he’s calling them symbiotic so I’m not sure he knows what the word actually means.  Probably did it for the sake of irony.  Around three minutes or so the tempo picks up and he stops doing the Tay Zonday impression, then it ends kind of abruptly.  It’s sort of a letdown after the mind-bendingly awesome opening, very anti-climactic.  But that doesn’t change the fact that the first three minutes were mind-bendingly awesome. 

Overall Impression:

                I really like this CD.  I was a little worried when I picked it up, because I really couldn’t tell what it was and the last time I found something like that, Enigma happened.  But this was a pleasant surprise.  The band’s sound wasn’t at all what I expected, but they were still really good.  They’ve got clean vocals with thought-provoking lyrics paired up with psychedelic guitars and a pretty kickin’ violin player.  The instrumentation is tight, but not so much that it’s mechanical, and most of the songs are a lot of fun to listen to.  It might not be everybody’s cup of tea, but there are some pretty good tracks on here, and it was definitely worth the dollar ninety eight I paid for it.

I really wanted to wrap this up by embedding a youtube video of one of the songs, but I couldn't find any at all.  I couldn't even find a preview on Amazon which probably speaks to how rare this CD actually is.  Pity, really.  It is available on Amazon for kinda cheap, though, so if you ever feel like listening to some weird rock music, this is definitely for you.  I might end up uploading this CD to youtube just so the internet can know what it's missing.